Pork Vortex Time Travel
or
“How I traveled back in time and saw god eating bacon”
First of all, I bought some bacon at a gun show. Not just any bacon, “Maple Cured, Applewood Smoked” custom cut by the butcher and made by “Old Colorado Smokehouse” in CastleRock, CO. The cut is just over ¼ inch.
I saw this bacon and thought to myself, “Holy shit. That is the thickest cut bacon I have ever seen,” so I bought it. It never occurred to me that I would be cooking it within 24 hours and finding a new faith. It would occur sometime around the time I would be watching Simpsons and sliding some bacon in my mouth, enjoying a glass of Egg Nog on a winter’s day.
And then it hit me. The holy of high holidays, the mixing of Egg Nog and Pork, something further from kosher than a nice Jewish girl that “likes to give head.”
There I was, my eyes were glazed and I saw the light. I thought to myself, “is this it? Am I dying?” Of course my glazed eyes could have been the result of some weed I smoked about an hour beforehand, but regardless, I still had a vision. Unlike any other prophetic stories, my vision was more of an epiphany. I didn’t have commands or new laws for the people, I just knew that I would begin to make the most amazing breakfast burrito of all time.
I was given a unique opportunity, one that I had not foreseen probably due to the fact that I hadn’t had any sleep in a few days but I immediately began to pull out of the pantry all my potions and mystical spells. (spices and ingredients)
These were all I had:
3 eggs, scrambled
4 strips of this incredible bacon
Salsa
Chulua Lime
Sarachi Hot Sauce
Shredded Cheddar and Monterey Jack Cheese
Green Chili
Tortilla
Salt and Pepper
Now, I know what you’re thinking and I just didn’t have any potatoes, French fries, hash browns, or any other such tator like substances otherwise I would have clearly added them. Sometimes you have to work with what you have, this is wartime you know
OK, so even though I did not have a working flux capacitor or anything like that, I did open the “pork vortex” with these ingredients. All I can say is that I took photos of the “process” by which you can replicate for your own time traveling adventures.
Now off with you, to the universe and beyond, my eager followers. We must start a new faith, for you too will have the vision! Amen
